9 Aug

I said I wanted to be completely transparent on my blog. I said I wanted to not let fear keep me from being honest. I said I valued other people’s authenticity and wanted to be sure I demonstrated that same behavior in my writing. Here goes nothing.

I am smitten. There is someone who gives me butterflies and I look forward to talking with and seeing on an almost daily basis. He makes me laugh, think, smile and sometimes leaves me speechless when he challenges my perspectives on things. His creativity captivates me. His intelligence catches me by surprise sometimes because he can also be incredibly silly. There are very few people who can discuss existentialism and farts within a ten minute period, but we manage to do just that. I have even considered throwing out the L word recently.

But despite all of this, we are stuck in park.

We both have been hurt badly in relationships in the past, and even though we’ve basically stripped ourselves down in front of one another, we still have a little wall that keeps the other person from seeing the little bit of vulnerability we have left. We’re both afraid one of us will end up rejected.

I always think I am secure and together until the prospect of a new relationship appears. The closer we get, the more I anticipate the other shoe to drop signaling him losing interest. As much as I daydream about a happy future and mentally plan out a potential life together, I am still reminded of every time I let myself relax into a situation only to be dropped.

In spite of my past, the hopeless romantic and faith in me still believes there is someone who won’t let me fall and I will be able sink into his trust. Maybe the walls between this guy and me will come down soon and we can let go of the past. I know he would never intentionally hurt me, nor I, him. Maybe it’ll be someone else.

Trusting God.


2 Responses to “Smitten”

  1. Caperton August 9, 2014 at 3:23 am #

    When The Boy and I started dating, things were similar-ish for us, except that he was fully comfortable and confident and I was the one holding back out of fear. I was talking to my brother about it, about how The Boy kept pushing forward the more I pulled back, and my brother gave me some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten: “Well, what if you stopped pulling back?”

    And it was scary. It’s terrifying to put yourself out there, particularly when you’ve been burned badly before. But sometimes the gamble pays off. And if you’re able to take that terrifying first step, you might find that he’ll find confidence to take a step of his own. I figure it’s kind of like that invisible bridge in “Indiana Jones”: It feels like you’re stepping right out into space, but what you might find on the other side makes it worth it. And if, God forbid, the bridge doesn’t hold, you have people who love you and will catch you.

    /tortured metaphor /personal essay /unsolicited advice

    • Karri August 9, 2014 at 4:23 am #

      Thank you so much for your comment. I actually got a little misty reading it. I adore you and The Boy’s relationship and hope my Dude and I can one day be in a similar position.

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